Great! Now that you know what not to wear and which paperwork to carry, let’s go outside for a document check.
The best way to find out if you forgot any papers is to step out of your house and walk up to the nearest available law enforcement personnel person and offer them a hearty “Привет!” accompanied with an equally inappropriate bear hug.
Yes, never look at a policeman. I have overwhelming empirical proof that doing so will result in a document check. Driving past a road policeman? Look at everything in all of creation except the policeman. Of course, at the same time you must look at him out of the corner of your eye just in case he does want to pull you over anyway. I find that now that even when I visit my native land it is ingrained me to avoid all eye contact with all law enforcement personnel.
And that’s exactly what I did. Since my sense of justice had been ever so slightly encroached upon I made eye contact with said Mr. Policeman (formerly it was proper to address them as “Comrade Militia Man”, now it is “Mr. Policeman). Mr. Policeman walked up to me with the same smug look that I would have if I had such a smart looking uniform accompanied by an automatic assault weapon draped around my neck and said, “Let’s check your documents, too.” I would have been less offended if he hadn’t said “too”. Apparently, taking offense on behalf of the young man with Central Asian features sitting in the cruiser found its limits when Mr. Policeman suggested I share those Central Asian features. Somehow my indignation is not as righteous as I would like it to be. Or perhaps I’m just a little sensitive about my bushy eyebrows that have somehow lost their appeal since the glory days when Comrade Breshnev was at the helm of the Red Empire.
All in all, I feel I did well with this particular document check. I used my latest and greatest document check strategy: The Strategy of Staring Blankly with what some Russians describe as the “square eyes”. Yes, I want to help you by giving you my papers to look at. No, my elevator is not the sharpest in the drawer and no my knife does not stop at all the floors. Yes, it’s up to you to guess whether I speak a word of Russian or not.
To my amazement, since using this technique, not a single law enforcement officer has asked me if I speak Russian or not. I just stare blankly, grunting or nodding my head if necessary. They then eventually hand me back my papers and off I go.
Part 1: What to do?
Here are a few more of my favorite past techniques when having documents checked:
1) Demanding a translator in perfect Russian. This worked for traffic police stops until I got a Russian driver’s license where my name is spelled “Endryu”.
4) Smiling, nodding, and agreeing totally with whatever the policeman says. This works especially well if you actually did break a law. You might be the first person to do this in this particular policeman’s career. Even if you get fined, it’s worth the look you will get in return.
Part 2: What NOT to Do?
And a few things I’ve learned it’s best NOT to do either by observation or personal experience:
1) Offering a bribe. It’s interesting to watch even the most self-righteous Westerners give in and pay a bribe. It’s been at least ten years since a policeman asked me for a bribe. They don’t have to because Comrade Citizens are all too eager to offer on their own. Fact is, the way to stopping corruption begins with you, the potential client.
2) Getting all huffy and self-righteous. You just look nervous and unsure of yourself.
3) Threatening to call the US State Department or a lawyer. You better be sure you can back this up or you will end up looking pretty silly.
4) Pretending to speak Russian poorly. I don’t recommend this one. Very few people who speak well can actually pull it off. One good friend attempted this one and ended up on camera with an English speaking local news reporter who happened to be filming the road police at work.
What about you? What is your favorite document checking experience? What do you do when your documents are checked? How does this makes you feel? Comment below!