The #1 Thing (NOT) To Do In The Moscow Metropolitan

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I guess they call it the Moscow Metroplitan, In Russian, because it is a city.  Albeit underground.

A high concentration of my helpful and insightful blog posts center on the Moscow Metropolitan.  Perhaps this is a natural result of spending a high concentration of my life in the Moscow Metropolitan.

I have recently given several tutorials on general life in Russia that are both informative, witty, and exhaustive, as I write more and more about less and less.  Kind of like a doctoral thesis.

This blog will be straight to the point.  Because this blog will have only one point.

There is 1 Thing You Should (NOT EVER) Do In The Moscow Metropolitan.

There are many unadvisable Moscow Metropolitan actions.  However, you can read about those in the Rules Section of the Moscow Metropolitan posted in each and every wagon, In Russian.  Soothsaying and Lighting Fires Are Prohibited.  You May Ride With Skis.  I don’t remember if you have to take them off first or not.  Before Riding the Moscow Metropolitan, In Russia.

It always amazes me that My Cell Phone works in so many parts of the Moscow Metropolitan, receiving many calls, In Russian.  This is perhaps the greatest Cellular Communication Scam in the world, Except unjailbroken iPhones in America.

You see, I can make or receive calls.  But I can’t understand a single word, In Russian.  Because the Moscow Metropolitan is a cacophony of  so many sundry hammer drills.  Especially during the summer when fellow passengers open the windows.  You Can’t Hear Yourself Think.  And you can’t understand a word that someone is trying to speak to you on your phone, In Any Language.  And the person who is calling you is paying for this unintelligible communication.

So, I usually pick up the phone and yell, “I’m In The Moscow Metropolitan!”  Then, depending on the situation, I shout, “I’ll call you back” or “Here’s my number, so Call Me Maybe!”.

As you ride, you will see Fellow Passengers picking up calls, dropping calls, shouting.  Usually, the conversations are kept as Short As Possible.  Because the network coverage underground is sporadic.

Attentive blog readers perhaps inquire, why not just Turn Off Your Phone.  The answer is simple.  It is 2013.  Also,  we are all reading books on our phones.  Or playing sudoku.  Or twittering about being late.

Because the interwebs are also surprisingly available down there underground.

The #1 Thing (NOT) To Do In The Moscow Metropolitan was acted out right in front of me just the other day.


This fine passenger on the Moscow Metropolitan was sitting directly across from when.  He received a Telephone Call.

It was at this point, that he recklessly charged into The #1 Thing (NOT) To Do In The Moscow Metropolitan.

You guessed it.

He jammed his head up into his coat thus forming His Own Personal Telephone Booth.  

And he began to shout from Inside His Telephone Booth.  Not In Russian.  Not In English. I should be ashamed to admit that I was the first person to click on the Camera Mode of my telephone.  Somehow this started a wave of microblog photography throughout the Moscow Metropolitan Wagon.

Sadly, my picture didn’t turn out quite like I had hoped.  This passenger’s cell phone coverage apparently stopped, and he “stepped out of his telephone booth”.

This left me in quite a state as now he was, naturally, looking straight at me.  As were Everyone Else In The Wagon.

I’m usually pretty good at covering up a wide and sloppy grin, in difficult circumstances.  However, in this instance I was a complete and total failure.  So, I looked down and pretended to have just read a clever and snarky tweet on my telephone.

The situation was only saved by this passenger’s phone once again coming into a zone of cellular coverage, and He Re-Entered His Telephone Booth, only compounding the effect of his previous buffoonery.

That was the jackpot, and I was able to capture the instructional image that I have now shared with you on this page.

 Of course, I probably could have learned from the person sitting directly to the right of the man in the telephone booth, and simply gone about my business, and pretended that wrapping your coat around your head and screaming long conversations into the phone is completely normal.

What other behavior are Things (NOT) To Do In The Moscow Metropolitan the could cause great risk of being showcased in Eye On Moscow?

Comment below!


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