The Chilling Draft Of Russia

From Murmansk to Magadan, Sochi to Salekhard, and from Kaliningrad to Kamchatka, its tentacles weave a web of hideous destruction.  Quietly, on the steppes of Siberia, now whispering over the Urals, in a moment across the Volga.  Now coming down your street as you innocently sit in your home.

No, I do not speak of forced military conscription, nor of a form of fermented beverage.  I am speaking of something much worse.  I am talking about The Draft.

If you are not from Russia, you must understand, that The Chilling Draft Of Russia is not to be compared with the elementary air movement you may sometimes experience in your home.  For The Chilling Draft Of Russia is to be feared.  At all times.

Here is what you need to know about The Chilling Draft Of Russia:

1) The Chilling Draft Of Russia has countless hideous side effects.

You will rue the day you ever encountered this silent beast. I have learned we must be most on guard to The Chilling Draft Of Russia while traveling on trains.  Just last night I was on a train.  I thought I was enjoying the gentle breeze wafting through the window.  As it turned out, I was playing with matches and gasoline.  The lady sitting across from me asked if I wanted to close the window.  I replied that I did not.  She asked, “Aren’t you afraid of neck pains?”  I quickly realized my oversight.  I had carelessly put my own neck in danger.

If you think turning your back to The Chilling Draft Of Russia will provide any protection, then I suppose you have no qualms about your kidneys catching a cold?

And if you are a woman sitting there in The Chilling Draft Of Russia, you might as well have just sat at the corner of the dining room table.  If you know what I mean.

2) The Danger of the Chilling Draft Of Russia is independent of the air temperature.

 One time I was riding a train in (the) Ukraine.  It was a bazillion degrees outside and I am not joking when I say the train was crawling at a snail’s pace in the hot sun, from Kharkov to Kyiv.  This produced what is known as the “greenhouse effect”.  It was so hot, my kids pulled out birch branches and started beating each other on the back.  If you know what I mean.

My eyes darted around the wagon as my head swam from the sweltering heat.  With considerable effort, I stood up and managed to pry one of the windows open a few inches.

Immediately a unanimous shout rose from around the wagon, “THE DRAFT!!!!”.

Because even in (the) Ukraine, heat stroke is a walk in the park, in comparison to The Chilling Draft Of (the) Ukraine.

3) The Chilling Draft Of Russia is not to be confused with simple wind.

By now, you’re probably thinking that with such danger lurking everywhere, that probably no one ever opens the window.  Don’t be ridiculous, you silly goose.  If we never allowed air into the room, we would never kill germs, and where would we get oxygen from?

In Russian, there is a single word that means “air out the room”.  I won’t take valuable time to teach you that word, but it is based on the root word of “wind”.  Naturally, wind is completely safe, or we’d never be able to go to the bus stop or go to the hospital, after being exposed to The Chilling Draft Of Russia, for example.

Also, reliable sources inform me that you can allow air into the room without creating a draft.  I believe it has something to do with the position of the door leading into the room, but have not taken any time to research this any further.  This is a blog, not Wikipedia, for crying out loud.

It is widespread knowledge that cooler air from outside will increase oxygen levels and kill germs.  So, if you are feeling faint from the heat, don’t open a window and expose your Russian friends to certain  plague.  Instead, offer to air out the room.  They will thank you and nod knowingly.  Then close the window and repeat the process a little bit later when you sense your blood oxygen levels reaching dangerously low levels.  See, now I’ve assisted you in avoiding an international event.

You are welcome.

And it is best to open the window to air out the room when your house is in the country or when you are sure that all of your neighbor’s windows are closed.  Because as a doctor told us, if you open your window when your neighbor’s window is open, chicken pox can come from their flat to yours.

Stay safe, folks!  You have been warned.  It is chilling.

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