Your Indoor Best

If you’ve ever been to Russia, you’ve seen them everywhere.  That’s right.  I’m talking about Russian people.  And although much ado has been made about Russian people dressing up when they are outdoors, there has been nearly no research published on Russian people dressing down while indoors.

That’s right, I am speaking of the Indoor Best of the Russian people.  But before we sneak behind the closed doors, revealing national apparel secrets, we must explore the idea of “outer clothes”.  Yes, that’s right.  I’m talking about “outer clothes”.  In short, they are forbidden everywhere except at bus stops and, well come to think about it, that’s about it.  Unless your gainful employment involves menial labor.

Why?  You ask.  Well, your outer clothes have been bathed in sundry microbes, parasites, and other unmentionable vermin while you were waiting for said bus, and the presence of your outer clothes poses a pandemic risk for any and all located in the indoor shell of sanitary safety.

This is not a point to be taken lightly.  If you think this is a joke, you will be accosted by security personnel while attempting to enter a school room (for example) without first checking your outer clothes at the door.  You have unwittingly become a dirty bomb and must be liquidated.  Or for an even livelier round of Russian roulette, attempt to enter a maternity ward at a Russian hospital while sporting your outer clothes in a most brazen and foolhardy fashion.  This is where the ancient saying comes from:  “Fools rush in with their outer clothes on”.

Now, as an aside, it is probably worth mentioning the scientific point that, while visiting certain medical clinics, it is considered a legitimate procedure to take off your outer clothes, turn them inside out, and carry them under your arm.  If you do not consider it to be self-evident that said outer clothes would be turned inside out, you are what we refer to in Russia as a foreigner.  But indeed, this clever ploy has been scientifically proven to confound even the most astute of all outdoor cooties. 

But I digress.  This is, after all, a groundbreaking publication, not on outer clothes, but Your Indoor Best.  The reason this came to mind is because I was recently in my homeland, and I was a bit blown away at all the folks wearing their outside clothes inside. There they were, those American people, walking inside and now outside and now inside again, and nary an item of clothing was ever changed.   It was like they didn’t understand there is a clear boundary between the Cold Diseased Outdoors and that Sterile Cocoon you call home.

And now a post that was entitled “Your Indoor Best” will stop talking about outer clothes.

Let’s say, for instance, that you are a foreign person in Russia and you think that you have a Russian person who is a friend.  Or would that be better put if I said “you have a friend that is a Russian person”? 

There is a standard litmus test to find out if that Russian person really truly is a friend.  If you visit that Russian person in their home and they are not wearing a combination of a sweat suit and a bathrobe, they are not really a close friend yet.

That is because, and I reveal a top secret of Russia to you at great personal peril, every Russian person wears inside clothes when they are inside.  And the Russian person’s Indoor Best is almost always a combination of a sweat suit and a bathrobe.  But it is not pajamas.

And no sooner does the Russian person come home than they slip out of their Outer Clothes and their Under Outer Clothes that they were wearing at their place of work and change into their Indoor Best. 

You see, the whole idea of indoor clothes and outdoor clothes makes great sense.  And mock the idea all you want, the Indoor Best is not just comfortable, it is also comforting.  It’s almost like you’re not home until you’ve changed into your Indoor Best.  For in a sense, your Indoor Best is your home.

This blogger also has learned to wear the Indoor Best.  If you are a foreign person and really want to become Russian, don’t invest in valenki and rabbit fur hats.  You will be picked up by the first law enforcement professional that you cross paths with, for you will indeed need to be saved as an ignorant tourist or a provincial Russian person who has become hopelessly lost while minding his trap lines on snowshoes.  No.  If you want to dress like a Russian, you must categorize your clothes into Outer Clothes, Indoor Best, Pajamas, and also Work Clothes (even if you work in an office, but that is a different post for a different day).  Recent statistics that I just made up in my mind this Saturday morning prove that the average Russian person changes clothes no less than 5 times a day.

Not sure what set of clothes would work as your Indoor Best?  Just pick whatever you would normally wear while shopping back home at Wal-Mart.

And with this there is no cross-contamination between the pancake, bus stop, office, and bed odors and bacterium in life.  It’s downright genius.  For it’s not just a quarantine of clothing.  It is a simple life hack:  dress the way you want to feel.  Russia has certainly got that one down.


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